ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Seems a bit forward
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you