My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth