Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
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There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER
“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.