Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
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Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?
I hate parrot teacher conferences
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”