Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would