GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?