GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
#CoronaOutbreak
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Bit chilly again tonight.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy