Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
i dont have time for this
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I love the National Park Service.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever