If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*