Thursday Thought.
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
this is the most humiliating day of my life
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”