GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.