@MatCro

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

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@chrisdowning

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

@kpcuk

There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar 🙂

@_ElvishPresley_

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

@AngryRaccoon2

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

@CulturedRuffian

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

@RealGorillaNips

Officer: Do you know you have a blinker out?

Me: Yes, officer.

Officer: When did you plan on getting that fixed?

Me: 2005

@NickBossRoss

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

@iGreenMonk

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.