Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

For cardio I live beyond my means.

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.