@EndhooS

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

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@JuliaEveHays

Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.

@Crunk_Jews

This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.

@ShockTartBionic

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

@envydatropic

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

@EricGoldie

Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”

@AmericanGent69

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

@KevinFarzad

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

@randypaint

the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face

contestant: ok

the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho

contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous

the bachelor: lol ok katie

contestant: it’s jennifer