@EndhooS

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

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@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@mostlysharks

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

@skickwriter

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

@Darlainky

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

@buttgh0st

“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably

@ryanbroems

*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.