Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
You Might Also Like
This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Best misinterpreted text ever!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face
the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho
contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous
the bachelor: lol ok katie
contestant: it’s jennifer