GF: I’m leaving you
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward


it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something


Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.




“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash


“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably


*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*


[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …


Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.