GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.