GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.


The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars


just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair


[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities


If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.


That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.


I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken


Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.


im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together


I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly