GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.