@MatCro

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

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@jbryantiii

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

@kumailn

The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars

@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@DanMentos

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

@doktorj

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

@TimHaynesJr

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

@buttnight

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

@slimthicccins

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

@dubstep4dads

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly