As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
so your X-rays look grea-
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly