GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Worth a try
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Strangers have the best candy.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket