Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
so, is there a mister shapen head
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.