Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
At least try to make it slightly believable
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.