GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
this came to me in a vision
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.