I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
You Might Also Like
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it