@tweetsbyrocket

[gf moving in]

her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement

me: sure, make yourself at home

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@Mom_Overboard

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

@AllanForsyth

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

@rcromwell4

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

@Darlainky

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

@3sunzzz

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

@KKAlThani

Me: why did you stop me?

Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.

Me: what about main course?

Cop: step out of the car.