Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[gf moving in]
her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement
me: sure, make yourself at home
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*
Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: why did you stop me?
Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.
Me: what about main course?
Cop: step out of the car.