@DaddyJew

Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that

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@GrowlyGrego

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

@JamieGreenlees

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

@aotakeo

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

@T_Bonezzz_

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

@msdanifernandez

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

@chudneyspears

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

@dumbbeezie

I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s