How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You Might Also Like
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.