@InternetHippo
@louisvirtel
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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@louisvirtel
@erichwithach
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
@wasteIandbaby
the noise i just made
@knot_eye
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
@andiedandie0
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
@KickSumHunibuns
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
@markydoodoo
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
@TitaniumToplass
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
@ohen39
[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.
@Yung40Ounce
*Gets pulled over by cop*
“Papers?”
“Scissors”
*Cop removes glasses*
“Rocks?”
*Both start successful trap house*