@InternetHippo

Gf snoops through my phone and sees I’m texting other girls about how great my gf is

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@louisvirtel

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

@erichwithach

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

@andiedandie0

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

@KickSumHunibuns

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

@markydoodoo

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

@ohen39

[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.

@Yung40Ounce

*Gets pulled over by cop*

“Papers?”

“Scissors”

*Cop removes glasses*

“Rocks?”

*Both start successful trap house*