The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Gf snoops through my phone and sees I’m texting other girls about how great my gf is
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
the noise i just made
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.
*Gets pulled over by cop*
*Cop removes glasses*
*Both start successful trap house*