Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
The booster protects against what, now?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.