GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.