GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
*looks at you in batman voice*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.