GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Not today, today.
Not today.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.