A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Genius idea!!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs