gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
You Might Also Like
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“Wait, let me explain..”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE