We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
There’s no attraction quite as strong as tomato sauce & a white shirt
I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.