GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty