gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
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Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Why soy sad?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.