GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]

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me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her


If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.


Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.


If anyone’s seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it’s definitely the liquor store.


even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey


They say intelligent people are rarely happy I guess that’s why you’re always smiling


me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.


[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]