GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.