*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶