gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Wikigenius
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date