gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu


[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure


Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.


Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…


Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.


Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.



A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants


Signed up to be an organ donor but they said I have to wait to donate until after I die.