gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
i’m sure it’s fine
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever