Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
You Might Also Like
The honesty is refreshing
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
No chill.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.