Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
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I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The funk soul brother
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My beach vacation Google searches
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂