Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.