I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let’s go exploring.
Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]
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Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor
[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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