GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let’s go exploring.

Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]

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I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”


Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers


I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.


Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret


me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man


HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT


I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.


Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”


Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.


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