GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.


Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*


WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please


My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots


[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*


TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it


I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.


My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.



Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!



FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same