GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me