My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
gf: where’s that parcel from
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
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internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?
me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”