gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
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“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack