Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.