@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

You Might Also Like

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@SaltyCorpse

Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.

@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

@iwearaonesie

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

@zachbdunn

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

@MauriceBlitz

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@pixelatedboat

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

@td_ward

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

@just1fool

My daughter asked me if it was illegal to be blind which tells me I didn’t explain “legally blind” very well.