Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

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Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.


Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.


95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.


me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]


Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something


Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.


“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses


Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today


I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.


My daughter asked me if it was illegal to be blind which tells me I didn’t explain “legally blind” very well.