GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
You Might Also Like
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*