GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer