gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
You Might Also Like
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.