Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
You sure about that?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.