@Scigglez
@UncleDuke1969
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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@UncleDuke1969
@ewws13
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
@JimGaffigan
“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich
@SortaBadass
Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
@TheGoodGodAbove
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
@Go2Slp
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.
@markleggett
You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.
@LittleMissAngr1
Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.
@NightValeRadio
Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.
@blondecalamity
A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*