GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

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“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich


Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper


Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.


Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.


You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.


Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.


Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.


A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*