@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

You Might Also Like

@ewws13

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.

@JimGaffigan

“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich

@SortaBadass

Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper

@TheGoodGodAbove

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

@Go2Slp

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.

@markleggett

You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.

@LittleMissAngr1

Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

@NightValeRadio

Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.

@blondecalamity

A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*