GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
OMG 🤣🤣
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.