I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
ok like just. call me at this point
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Mad Max Arctic Road
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish