I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
This dude got his own movie?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.