Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
This is my favorite one of these!
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”